#who tf would eat something that dissolves them

[illegiblehandwriting1]

humans are funny because we like to eat things that want to eat us. And sometimes it's happening simultaneously, like kiwi and pineapple

[jorjorlinks]

i haven't seen The Lightning Thief movie since 5th grade when it came out so I'm rewatching it before i listen to the Newest Olympian episodes about it and i'm only 2 minutes in and i don't remember any of this at all so i thought i'd make a post of my reactions throughout the movie.

why is the fisherman surprised by poseidon's giant form??? shouldn't the mist cover it??? also why is poseidon walking out of the ocean in giant form???

ZEUS IS SEAN BEAN???????

reading the credits like, there's so many famous actors in this???? i don't remember them at all. rosario dawson??? who does she even play?

why is ms. dodds an english teacher? what?

isn't yancy academy supposed to be a boarding school?

percy hearing his dad's voice is so wild

pierce brosnan as chiron us not bad tbh

some of the casting is so spot on, if only the writing was better

chiron is revealing too much too fast

god i love this grover so much

HAHAHAAH the minotaur being in a cow pasture is so perfect

where is the minotaur's tighty whiteys

the minotaur didn't dissolve?????

why are so many demigods hurt lmaooo

love how all the other campers are the same age as percy. where are the little ones

there's a middle aged man in the background???? who is he? is he a teacher?

logan lerman and alexandra daddario's blue eyes are SO blue

more than one centaur at camp????

whoa whoa whoa whoa what. what. he's already being put in the poseidon cabin??? he hasn't even been claimed yet

chiron is so upfront in this movie it's wild

so luke just takes percy in for capture the flag but isn't his counselor hmmm

"I'm coming buddy, I'm coming!" jake abel is so perfect

annabeth and percy being on opposite sides of the game is so weird

annabeth is acting like clarisse c'mon now

why can poseidon speak in percy's mind

percy is suddenly good at fighting because he touched water? huh?

luke is so perfect

i don't think chris columbus knows how capture the flag works

a balrog?!?!?!?!

hades??? no. no. no. why would hades look like that. why does he look like lucifer. what is happening?????

"you cannot negotiate with hades. he'll kill you and your mother" why is hades evil

are they just not gonna get a prophecy

why would luke know how to get to the underworld

absolutely LOVE that luke is a gamer

also love that luke just said he broke into olympus and stole things. he literally just told them that he's the lightning thief

map to persephone??? "keeps her prisoner" god, why is hades literally the worst in this

oh they are looking for the pearls, interesting

luke has aegis?!?!?

awesome, no prophecy

annabeth you can't just steal from a wishing fountain

glad they kept uncle ferdinand

medusa SLAYS. that leather jacket is so nice damn

cool ipod product placement. kids today would never get it

he can heal other people with water????

oh none of the gods can see their kids???? is there a great prophecy in this or uhhh not

love grover eating a soda can

okay so the mist doesn't cover anything cool

so far two major rules of the percy jackson world don't exist: the great prophecy and mist. can it even be percy jackson without them?

so their dyslexia just lets them read greek letters?

so video calls on laptops don't attract monsters but cell phones do? i can't believe camp has wifi

also why tf is percy wearing the shoes

i kinda like the idea of the hydra presenting has like 5 people

ah, percy is wearing the shoes so he can fight the hydra while flying, i see.

annabeth has so many random weapons and they just sort of appear. does she have like, a bag of holding or something?

so like so far percy has not controlled water at all but now he just sees a water fountain and thinks, yeah i can use that

they're just toting medusa's head along hmm

oh the lotus casino is a stop they have to purposefully walk into, cool

grover how can you gamble? how can any of you gamble? none of y'all are supposed to look 18 or older

okay this lotus casino is significantly better than the show, i gotta say

time for the most iconic seen

love that the lotus flower is just drugs

they're just letting these kids gamble???

ah poseidon is why percy is able to remember

THE PEARL IS BEING USED FOR ROULETTE LMAOO

i can't believe they decided to replace the st. louis arch with the nashville parthenon

no crusty's??? no DOA records????

ooh catacombs

i think chris columbus confused the underworld with hell

are those supposed to be dogs?

oh there's rosario dawson, it's summer, why is persephone in the underworld

why is grover so sexualized

why is persephone so sexualized

oh the bolt is in the shield

"i am going to be king of the gods" alright chill

also just realized that there is no history between annabeth and luke and she's not upset that he was the lightning thief

sally went with them???

WHAT IS LUKE DOING HERE

luke having his own shoes is very funny

huh?

kronos is just not a factor in this movie

luke, you have the bolt, why are you chasing percy

percy hit luke so hard his shoes fell off

how does sally know how to get into olympus

i love how in the books the gods are 10 feet tall and in this movie they're 50

love that they recast hermes for the second movie

he's so tiny, i cannot take this seriously

i think it is interesting that poseidon would have stayed to raise percy if he could. the movie really said good dad!poseidon

percy doing the politician wave to say bye to his mom

grover is not looking for pan at all, interesting

CHIRON SAYUNG PERCY IS HIS FAVORITE IS SO FUCKING WILD there's literally other campers around you

annabeth wears pink because she's a girl and percy wears blue because he's a boy

whelp

that's about as bad as i remember

[blxetsi]

modern sasha braus dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

college!sasha braus x gn!reader

had to write something for my queen 😌✨

- she shares her food with you. I Dont Care She Does

- also since this is a modern au i dont think she would have such an obsession with food as she does in the canonverse (if we can even call it an obsession) i still think she would have a big appetite (and she'd be proud of it tf 😏🙏) but i just dont see her always being hungry as the fandom makes her out to be

- really likes to hold hands with you

- i think itd be really cute if she was studying to become a baker ?? maybe taking a culinary course at the university you two attend ?? maybe you somehow met there or through a friend

- i think she'd still be insecure about her accent (ig if this is au is set in america she'd be from the south 😐🤚) and would speak kind of like a robot to people she didn't know that well

- connie and jean ALWAYS bring out her accent tho,, like with them she can really be herself

- i think when you were starting to get to know her she would be speaking very formally, and youd take it like shes being kinda stand offish or like,, just doesnt wanna talk so youre thinking "okay maybe she doesnt wanna be friends 😁👍" and would back off

- now sasha's upset because you are so cool and unique and she just wants to know so much about you but youve been very distant lately ?? like did she do something wrong ??

- she tells connie, jean, marco, and niccolo one night and connie and jean are on the side of "find y/n and demand to know why their behavior has changed" while marco and niccolo are on the side of "respectfully dm y/n and ask why they havent been wanting to see sasha recently"

- sasha goes with the latter of the two and dms you after passing you in the dining hall, you two literally keep glancing at each other, texting while you sit with your respective friend groups

- after everything gets cleared up sasha is immediately inviting you to hang out with her crew, and even getting some of her other friends like eren, mikasa, and ymir and historia to come join too

- if she has all the people shes comfortable with there, itll be less scary talking with her accent !

- You Love It. You Think Its Adorable.

- you guys would definitely have a friends to lovers type relationship

- like friendly hugs turn into slightly longer hugs, and now sasha will constantly ask to sit next to you during movie nights

- loves to rest her head on your lap while she spreads across the couch

- i think you two would have your first kiss in niccolos apartment

- you two were sitting in his kitchen, with sasha munching on the leftover food he made that night for your get together

- his mom had called him so he decided to leave to go to his bedroom to answer it

- and slowly you guys just kind of,,,, leaned in 🙈✨

- it was slow and really romantic, kinda rough with the crumbs that were around sasha's lips but you didn't mind

- niccolo barged in and ruined the moment 😐🤚 good going pal 😁👍

- you two were so shocked that you two tried to leave

- ended up just walking down the road in silence like wtf i thought yall were trying to get away from each other 😭😭😭😭

- sasha ended up staying the night 🤩‼️

- NOT in a sexual way

- but in like a,,,, rue and jules kinda way where jules comes in through the window (but only sasha didnt come in through the window she came in the front door with you) and you two held each other and gave each other smooches for the rest of the night

- sasha woke up late and missed her morning classes 😐🤚 didnt even care and went back to sleep with you

- i think for the most part you get along well with her friend group

- youre definitely closer to connie, jean, niccolo, marco, and historia

- ymir teases you guys a lot and you cant tell if what she says is just jokes (it always is) or if shes completely serious

- eren, mikasa, armin, annie, along with reiner and bertholdt are more of aquantances to you, just because you dont see them as often as you do the others

- she has such a weird relationship with her english professor

- will literally complain how much work he gives his class and then the next day will gush about how great he his bc he gave her a granola bar for her effort in her assignment

- girl pick a script and stick to it 😐🤚

- has a collection of stuffies on her bed. i dont make the rules.

- anytime theres a carnival in town she drags EVERYONE there.

- you all agree to split up into groups so you can all check out what you want, but you always agree to meet up and eat funnel cake together 🥺

- sasha tries to get you to win her new stuffies

- if you cant do it, or just want some for yourself, shes calling connie and niccolo up PLEADING with them to come find you guys,

- then she claims theres been an ACCIDENT and that you two need help

- niccolo is zooming bc he cares abt his besties 😌✨

- connie texts jean and marco to come find you guys too 😭😭😭

- who gets a kick and a lecture for lying courtesy of niccolo ? sasha. but who also gets a bunch of stuffies won for her courtesy of niccolo ? sasha.

- for your anniversary i think she'd want to do something really fun with you

- she'd set up a pillow fort and have a bunch ot string lights and stuff, have all of her favourite stuffies (which are the ones she thinks of you when she sees) in there too.

- she has chips, she baked little pastries and cookies, and she ordered your favourite takeout

- you guys just watch whatever you want on netflix or whatever and its such a nice night

- it becomes a tradition for you guys, but you two always take turns with setup

- one year sasha did all of the planning, baking and whatnot ? okay now its your turn 😁👍

- you guys even started doing themes now 🤩

- if you guys play board games with your friends youre on sasha's side whether you want to be or not.

- shes also the kind of person that says "i can win fair and square !" but then when bertholdt starts kicking her ass in monopoly her script changes real quick 🙄

- now its "y/n,,, give me some of ur money" and "y/n, buy this property for me" like girl,,,, what happened to playing fair 😍⁉️

- will try and do all of those s/o pranks you see on tiktok

- its hard to get a genuine reaction out of you bc you can TELL SHES RECORDING but she tries anyways

- we love a perservering queen 😌✨

- will call you at random times of the day asking if you guys can see each other

- "y/n ??? are you there ??" "sasha its 2am wtf do you want 😐" "do you wanna ride your bike with me down to the park 🥺"

- also is very observant, knows when youre overworking yourself

- will try and pull you away from what youre working on like "lets go get you something to drink, or maybe we can watch an episode of that show you like before you continue working !"

- if youre persistent that you just HAVE to finish it tonight and cant stop and take a break she'll respect that, until you stay at your laptop for over an hour 😐

- just softly pulls you away like "no lovebug, lets get some sleep okay ?"

- is also very protective of you

- overheard someone making fun of you ?? talking shit ??? her besties better hold her back before she gets suspended 😤‼️

- and since connie and jean absolutely ADORE you, you better believe theyre helping their girl sasha out

- those three are the LEADERS of the "protect y/n club"

- it just becomes niccolo and marco trying to dissolve the situation before it gets physical, and then reiner and armin joining when they walk directly into the chaos

- armin tells you what happened and as much as youre thankful that sasha cares about you so much that she'd defend you like that, you lecture her, jean and connie on not making scenes like that again

- sasha's love language is kind of like,, a mixture of quality time and physical touch

- she just really loves spending time with you, but also very much enjoys being in your arms

- she doesnt shy away from it, and is usually the one to initiate those things

- will hold your hand PROUDLY down hallways or on streets

- always hypes you up too, shes very much so your personal hypeman

- "oh lovebug you look SO GOOD rn oh my god" "sasha pls im in my pyjamas" "and you look like a model baby !"

- sasha is very stubborn however, and if you guys ever fight she is NEVER the one to apologize first, or seek you out to talk about it

- even if shes in the wrong she cant bring herself to admit it, she dug herself into such a deep hole with the stance she took that she doesnt want to take the walk of shame in admitting that she wasnt right

- this can cause a lot of problems in your relationship, but after you explain how much it affects you, shes trying to change

- will always work on her stubborn-ness and pride

- and it actually makes her feel a lot better being able to admit defeat, or being wrong

- she really likes being communicative and honest, especially with you

- i think overall your relationship with sasha is very very fun, filled with good memories, good food, good friends, and most importantly, love.

no bc i really do love her 😐🤚 lemme marry miss braus rq 😏✨

hope u guys enjoyed !! remember requests are open so if you have anything youd like me to write DONT BE SHY ❤️‼️

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

Dragonborn (Vezera) - tf/sorcerer 18

Human (Divone) - cf/barbarian 10

Dwarf (Caebrek) - nb/wizard 1

Caebrek had never been outside their clan home deep in the earth, not once in their life. Not until now.

See, Caebrek was one of the few blessed by Magic, not that they knew until a few days ago, when they cast their first spell. On the back of their hand, a visage of a mighty great sword surrounded by silver mist appeared, and their mother proclaimed that they had been blessed by Magic. That they would have someone out there who could complete them.

Caebrek doesn’t want to be completed. They want to study magic, go on adventures, become who they want to be. Nothing more. 

Their father said that once they left, they should not return without the other blessed by Magic. They told him that they would never return then, took their things, and left.

Their spellbook is small, and their rations limited, but Caebrek is determined to prove their father wrong. They don’t need love. They never have, and they never will.

They wrap their hand in cloth, marching towards the town at the base of the hill they once resided in. The sky is clear, but the wind is cold, and they wrap their cloak closer to their body. At least their beard grew in the past decade, so their face is warm. 

They arrive to the town and set off to find the nearest library. If they want to get better at magic, they need to study for it. Entering the library, Caebrek marvels at the sheer magnitude of the place. 

Hundreds of thousands of books must be here. Caebrek’s fingers itch to start reading them when a rough voice coughs from behind them. Turning, a tall and broad dragonborn stands behind them. Light grey robes contrast their silver scales, and piercing gold eyes study Caebrek.

“New in town?” They ask, and Caebrek nods.

“I came to study magic.” They say lightly, and the dragonborn hums.

“A wizard, eh? It’s been a while since one of those have come here. Would you like me to show you the magic history and theory section, or the spells section?” They offer, and Caebrek thinks a moment.

“Theory, if you don’t mind.” They respond, and the dragonborn starts to walk deeper into the library.

“So.” The dragonborn says while leading Caebrek. “What is your name, newcomer?”

“Caebrek.” Caebrek answers, trying to not get distracted by the wonders surrounding them. “And you?”

“Vezera the Grey.” They hum, turning a corner. “Although I am fairly well known outside of this area, I doubt tales of me have reached the havens of the dwarves.”

Caebrek stifles a laugh. “No, I have. Although it was a traveling bard taking refuge for the night, so not many of my clan believed him.”

Vezera laughs, stopping in front of a dusty set of shelves. “Here we are. Don’t worry about the dust, as I said. It’s been a while since a wizard came here.”

Caebrek nods, and Vezera starts to leave before pausing. “My party will be in town tonight, if you wish to join us for dinner.”

Caebrek takes a moment to think. Of course, joining a party is the best first start to learning how to be a better caster. Being able to meet an experienced one is a good beginning. 

“I will. Where will you be dining?” Caebrek answers, browsing the shelves.

Vezera smiles, not that Caebrek sees it. “Dusty Forge. At sundown.” She says, “See you then.”

Caebrek hums, already having taken down a book and started skimming the first few pages. 

-

Caebrek leaves the library with a few pounds extra in their backpack. They look at the sky and see it’s already turned a dusty red color. They wander the streets for a few minutes, finding a small tavern with a sign outside reading Dusty Forge. Inside, music is being played. Walking in, they see Vezera with a human, a tiefling, and a half orc. 

“Caebrek!” Vezera hollers, waving the dwarf over. “Come! Dine with us!”

Caebrek sits down at the round table, placing their backpack at their feet. On the table is a large roasted goat with cooked vegetables placed around it. 

Music plays in the background as Vezera grins. “Caebrek, meet Ekk, Debauchery, and Divione.” She gestures to the half orc, the tiefling, and the human respectively. “My wonderful party.”

Debauchery groans and faceplants the table. “You say that like we didn’t almost light a man on fire last week.” His muffled voice sounds out, and Ekk looks almost offended.

“Ok, so how was I supposed to know that the statue would spark?!” She defends herself, and Divione stifles laughs. 

Ekk whips over to Divione and Vezera, who freeze. “It would have been rectified much faster if you two weren’t flirting with each other!”

Divione takes a moment before dissolving into giggles. Vezera tries to keep her composure, but is slowly failing. Debauchery slides over to Caebrek.

“Those two are soulmates. Had the other’s symbol on their body.” He explains, and Caebrek furrows their brow. “Yeah. Vezera has a book with a great sword on the cover, and Divione has a book surrounded by silver. Once they touched, it disappeared.”

Caebrek rolls their eyes. Of course they meet someone with the same blessing (curse?) as them. They tighten the cloth hiding their marking. They don’t need anyone else telling them that this is supposed to be good.

It isn’t.

Caebrek takes one of the legs of the goat, and slowly starts to eat it while Debauchery tells them what they guess to be gossip, but they aren’t paying attention. They’re thinking about Magic, the very makings of the universe. How it decided to curse them with not being enough. Why are they never enough?

Something touches their shoulder.

Something rushes through their body.

There’s a gasp, and panic rises through their throat.

“Caebrek-” Vezera is behind them. Their robe sleeve is raised to expose their shoulder, the image of a book slowly fading. Divione is looking at them. Everyone is looking at them.

“I need to leave.” Caebrek says, grabbing their bag and running out of the tavern. They hear their name being called, but they need to get away. They need to go away. 

They find themselves on the trail back home. The moon is but a sliver in the sky, not that it matters. 

There’s a sudden gust of wind, and Vezera is in front of them, large bat wings nestled on their back. Clinging to them is Divione, who lands on the ground and faces Caebrek.

“Leave me be.” Caebrek whispers. Divione and Vezera look at each other briefly.

Vezera starts. “If you don’t wish to be with us, that’s fine.” She says, and that takes Caebrek off guard for a moment. “If you wish to be only acquaintances, that’s fine too.”

“But please,” Divione says softly. “Just talk to us. Here and now. We don’t want to hurt you, but we might if we don’t talk.”

-

Caebrek finds themselves sitting at a small fire, clutching their backpack. Divione and Vezera sit opposite them, waiting. 

“I don’t love you.” They start, and the pair nod.

“We didn’t expect that.” Vezera responds.

“I won’t ever love you.” Caebrek states with complete certainty. They know they won’t. It’s just not who they are.

“That’s fine.” Divione smiles lightly.

“I don’t want what you have. I just want to study magic and be a caster.”

“We respect that.”

Caebrek sighs. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

There’s a slight pause.

“We . . . I wish to be your friend.” Vezera says. “Nothing more.”

Caebrek feels thorns of doubt ledge themselves into their mind. That can’t be true, it never is true.

Divione looks at her hands. “I won’t lie, being in a more dedicated relationship with you would be very nice.” She starts. “But I also will be very happy if you let me be your friend.”

Caebrek nods, looking at the fire. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

They both nod.

“But,” Caebrek takes a deep breath. “We could start as acquaintances. And if it becomes a friendship, than it does. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.”

The pair nod again. “Okay.” Vezera says. “We leave in the morning for a quest, but we’ll keep in contact?” She ends with a questioning tone, seeing if that is okay.

Caebrek nods. “Keep in contact.”

-

Decades later, Divione lays in her bed, old. Caebrek enters, reading something about the fabric of reality, and a warm mug.

“Tea, for you.” They hand the mug to Divione, who smiles.

“Thank you.” She whispers, taking a small and slow sip. “It’s good.

“I’ve been your caretaker for two years of course it’s good.” Caebrek mentions offhandedly, turning a page and sitting in the chair by her bedside.

Divione hums. “I love you.”

“So you have mentioned.” Caebrek looks over their book to Divione. 

Divione smiles. “Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, caretaker Caebrek.” Caebrek rolls their eyes, turning another page.

“I will. Vezera gets back today, and I don’t wish to see what she would do if she found out I forgot to eat again.” 

Divione laughs lightly, taking another drink. She’s never been more happy

------

for @44-caliber-lxveletter

[achillesmercury1996]

Mindless ramble I plan to read to my therapist about my ~life~ under the cut

Y’all, I just wish I knew what in the ever-loving FUCK I want to do with my life. Like, I wish there was something that I was genuinely GOOD at, but whenever I stop to think about it I just... *Radio Silence*. I went to primary school for 12 mother-fuckin’ years, yo, and during that time, I learned fuck all about myself and what I want to do with the remainder of my life. I dabbled in theater back in those days, but never stuck with it because I’m what my parents like to call ~a quitter~. (When, really, I just didn’t like rehearsals after school, and I especially didn’t like getting harassed by the male director with an ego bigger than Napoleon’s). 

Anyway, by some fucking MIRIACLE, ya girl graduated, and got accepted to UNIVERSITY. Which, for me, it was a huge fucking deal because I’ve never been considered ‘smart’ or ‘the college type’. Like, I graduated high school with a 2.9 GPA, whereas my sisters (who I’ve been endlessly compared to my entire life), graduated with a 3.8 and a 4.0, SO, and ended up going to one of the big 10 universities in America. Again...SO. 

Carrying on. I went to uni undecided because, again, I don’t know what the ever-loving FUCK I want to do with my life. So about halfway through my first semester, I was walking back to my dorm and was like, “FUCK IT, I write a lot, I’m gonna major in Journalism and Minor in Writing hahahahahaha because writing one semi-successful fanfic on fanfic dot net back in 2012 means I’m cut out for this legggoooo!!” 

Anyway, I declare my major and minor, and let me tell you...I took my first journalism courses at uni...and girl, journalism was NOT IT. Not for me, anyway. I always saw journalism as legit WRITING, and given the media boom, it is literally everything BUT writing. When I tell you my ass was hauling a FIFTY POUND VIDEO CAMERA AND BOOM MIC ACROSS CAMPUS FOR A PROJECT WORTH 50% OF MY GRADE...no, ma’am. I literally spent thousands of dollars on a course my 3rd year in my major where you were graded ONLY on doing these 2 film projects...and I DIDN’T DO EITHER OF THEM. I got a D- in the course just because my prof liked me, and would feel bad giving me an F. 

Side note, there was even a point during my 2nd year of uni where I decided to change my minor to EARTH SCIENCE because I was like, “yo, rocks are neat, and maybe I could write for Nat Geo one day hahahahahahaha”. Girl, WHAT!?

Okay, so needless to say, I literally fell into a pit, spiraled out of fucking control, drank so much cheap beer, and dropped tf out halfway through my 2nd semester my 3rd year. I had spent HOURS every single day, prior to my decision of dropping out, just looking at other majors offered at my uni (and I went to a liberal arts school, so we had a ton), and absolutely NONE OF THEM struck my interest. NONE.

So what did I do after I dropped out? You mean other than gain 50 pounds and work dead-end jobs? I WENT TO FUCKING BEAUTY SCHOOL. It’s like, someone looked at me, said my makeup looked nice once, and I RAN WITH IT, GIRL. I shit you not, even before I left the town my uni was in to move home, I was looking at beauty schools out there. It wasn’t until I realized that financial aid wouldn’t pay for housing at a beauty school did I realize I would have to move home. 

So I’m 22, and my dumb ass goes to Esthetics school. One of the WORST ESTHETICS SCHOOLS IN MICHIGAN, MIND YOU. BECAUSE I SOMEHOW GOT A SCHOLARSHIP. And, no, I didn’t get a scholarship because I’m ~so good at what I do~. I got a scholarship because I’m ~broke~, and the admissions officer felt bad for me, and said if I could write a decent essay about why I wanted to be an esthetician, then she could hook me the fuck up. And I said BET, because one thing that came out of me going to uni...I can write a BOMB essay, okay? I was the designated editor on my dorms floor my 1st year at uni. Not because I’m ~such a good editor~ but because I can bang out a 5 page essay in thirty minutes no problem. Ya girl knows how to write some bullshit down on paper and make it look like gold. Too bad I fucking HATE DOING IT. 

Anyway. I go to esthetics school, and immediately get licensed after graduating. It was one of the worst 6 month periods of my entire life, and I honestly hate reflecting back on it. It was also a waste of 8k, and now I’m 10k in student debt hahahaha thanks America! 

I genuinely tried to pursue esthetics afterward. I really did. I had a bitchin’ resume, and I went to a ton of interviews at salons, and applied to countless places as an esthetician and makeup artist. I even had a potential job lined up at a salon not far from my house...which ended up falling through because they wanted me to do ~free labor~ for three months full-time before hiring me. Which...no thanks. I needed money. So what did I do? I GET A JOB AT FUCKING KROGER. AS A PICK-UP ATTENDANT. Again, another dark point of my life that was followed by me quitting there after getting injured, going to work at HOBBY LOBBY only to have a mental breakdown before one of my shifts that leads to me quitting there. 

Holy fuck. So I had a small moment where I was unemployed for the summer. I went on a trip with my boyfriend, and was a bridesmaid and makeup artist for my sister’s wedding. So it was a good summer. Aside from having no direction in my life that wasn’t to the nearest bar or bottle of what-the-fuck-ever. But you know.

I got a job that December (2019) as a receptionist at a local gymnasium. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I had nice coworkers, the customers were actually pretty chill, and the kids were...tolerable. It wasn’t bad, okay? I actually liked it, but we all know what followed the year 2019...

That’s right...2020. Covid-19. The bane of all of our existences as of right now. 

We had to close in March of 2020 with no clue as to when we’d be able to go back. Which, at first, was a nightmare. Because I had shit to pay for, and NO INCOME. At least until unemployment kicked in, we got our first round of stimmy checks, and ya girl actually started to thrive. 

I studied more into Buddhism, got into wicca and witchcraft which ended up being a huge light in my life, believe it or not (even if I’m no good at it rn), and I was able to just...be. For a while at least. The world seemed to stop, and I could actually BREATHE for once. It was nice. I lost weight. I stopped drinking ENTIRELY (and haven’t had a drink since summer 2020 THANK YOU VERY MUCH). I read a lot more and finally got to expand my book collection. I just...got to be. And it was so nice.

But now that America and society wants life to ~go back to normal~ and ~keep moving~ (thanks, boomers), that means that I need to do the same. Except I don’t know what it means to ‘go back to normal’ because I’ve never had a normal. And I don’t know how to keep moving because sometimes I really don’t want to. I just want to be. I want to be able to sit down at dinner every night and not feel crazy anxiety because my parents keep staring at me like they’re about to start grilling me about not doing anything with my life. Because, girl, if I had any sense of direction and what I wanted to do with my life, I WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING, OKAY? Like, this pandemic is fucking horrific, okay? But I’d be a liar if I were to say that those few weeks in March and some of April where we were all just vibing, baking bread, sewing masks and being NICE TO EACH OTHER were awful. They weren’t. I loved them. I will forever be chasing that high. 

Fuck. I don’t even know what the point is in writing all of this. Maybe I’ll save it and read it to my therapist on Friday so they can get a sense of what goes on in my mind, or how I’m thinking or whatever...but yeah. I just don’t know what to do. I have no direction. I have no passions. There are things I enjoy doing that make me feel good, but once I pursue them, or am forced to do them in a way that isn’t how I want to do it...I lose that passion. Ya dig? Like back in high school when I was an actress. I actually loved it. But once I had to go to rehearsal after school and get bitched at by a director who treated a high school production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang like it was Broadway (like, sir, you went to uni for THIS?)...that passion dissolved. Same with writing. Same with makeup artistry. Same with LITERALLY EVERYTHING I’VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. And like I said earlier, according to my parents, that makes me ~a quitter~. 

I just...I have no passions, and the few things I enjoy doing...I don’t want to pursue them and end up hating them too. I don’t act anymore. I don’t write. I don’t do anyone else’s makeup but my own. I don’t even shop or go to the stores where I used to work (except for Kroger because a bitch has to eat). So when it comes down to it, whenever someone suggests I work in an area where it’s utilizing one of my few interests, or working somewhere that I like to go, that brings me joy or peace...why the fuck would I do that? Because, like everywhere else, I know in my gut that it’ll ruin that for me. I don’t want those things ruined for me. Even if I might be ~pleasantly surprised~, I don’t want to take that risk. Shit, I’m not that kind of risk taker. I’ll jump off of a 20ft high diving board, but I’ll be DAMNED if I apply and get a job at my favorite bookstore only to end up hating it, okay? No thank you. 

So, like I said in the beginning...I just wish there was something I was genuinely good at. Something I was passionate about that I could pursue it. Maybe even on my own so I could just...enjoy it without corporate hierarchy or whatever barking orders at me or reprimanding me for breathing the wrong fucking way. You know? Or even something that I was SO GOOD AT, that the company or whoever hired me couldn’t afford to lose me as an employee because there would be no one else out there who could do that job quite like me. Except the latter would never be the case, you know? I’m not that good or desirable at fucking ANYTHING. 

Anyway. Too bad there isn’t a course I could take on life. Too bad I couldn’t have directed my own life when it came to deciding to go to uni. Because, honestly, I only went because it was what I was told to do. But I digress about that. I just need...direction. I don’t have any, and I haven’t had any direction for a while. My parents would tell you different because they think that if they advise me on what ~they think is right~ I’ll just do it, and finally get my life together. But they don’t want to hear any of this. They just want me to get a job, make money, and get out of their house. They always say shit like, “you’re 24! You’ve been here longer than either of your sisters!” Again, comparing me to my older siblings. It just doesn’t help when you already don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, you know? 

Ah, fuck...anyways. Writing this helps. Getting these thoughts out helps. Sharing it with...someone (like I said, I’ll probably read this to my therapist) helps. It doesn’t give me any sense of direction or what the fuck I want to do with my life, but hey, maybe if I take these thoughts to someone who has their life more together, or who could help me get there, it could be a good thing. 

I just want to feel fulfilled. And right now I don’t. I never have. And everyone I know doesn’t do anything that fulfills them. It just pays the bills and puts bread on the table. Which is nice and all, but there has to be more to life than living to work and working to live. What about living to live? I need that. Even doing something that is somewhat enjoyable for the time being would be nice. But I’m tired of waking up everyday wanting to go back to bed because the job I have or whatever is so awful it makes me not even want to go through the day. What life is that? I don’t want that. I can’t have that.

But above all, that’s really what I want in life. I want to do something fulfilling. But how do I get there? 

Anyway, if you read this far...thanks? Maybe one of y’all out there feels the same way, and it’s comforting to know when other people feel the same way, I guess? You’re not alone, is what I’m saying. We’re all on our own journey in this fucked-up simulation we call life, but it’s nice to have support along the way. You’re not alone. I’m here, and if you ever need someone to talk to, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on, just know that I’m here.

Okay, I’ll shut up now. Back to our regularly scheduled content and ~the gay shit~!

Love y’all.